Time to talk about my last adventure! And once again, things like to be finished and then languish for months on my computer. I'll just keep telling myself that it needed to age, or ripen, or mature, or something.
On January 19th I went to Nagasu, a small town I'd never heard
of before. They were having a festival called Matto Bakkai, but which we
foreigners all call, “The Naked Man Festival.” If it were a screenplay, it
would play out something like this:
PAN IN:
It's 10 a.m. on a
cool winter day. The sun is shining. A group of men gathers in a Japanese
dining hall.
Unremarkable Japanese Man #1: Take some sake!
Colin: (Surprised but grateful). Thank you!
Unremarkable Japanese Man #2: Take more sake!
Colin: I'm still drinking this one!
UJM #2: MORE, MORE, MORE
FADE OUT:
The seven foreigners
are ushered into a new room. The room is slightly hazy, but the redness to their cheeks belies a warmth unsuspected in the January chill.
Head Japanese Man: Take off clothes!
Colin: Now?
HJM: Now! No socks!
They are pushed
towards a new, older man with what looks like a really long roll of toilet
paper, but is, deceptively, cloth. After some particular uncomfortable
wrapping, all seven foreigners emerge less clothed, but now (mostly) garbed in
a culturally appropriate manner and fit for any festival.
FADE OUT:
PAN IN:
Outside a community
center
In what seems to be a
theme, the seven American, Canadian, and Frenchmen are once again herded away,
carrying the dilapidated shreds of their dignity somewhere beneath the fundoshi
that barely covers their behinds.
 |
| Said fundoshi, conveniently covering more of practically everyone else in attendance. |
Colin: I feel like
everyone else knows what they're doing
Frenchmen #1: Just try not to let your feet get stomped on.
Colin: What?
Everyone else: Well you've got to try to climb on all the
other naked guys' shoulders, with a piece of hay in your mouth. It's good luck!
Colin: Suddenly everything makes sense. Kind of. Sort of.
The crowd of men, approximately fifty or so, is now
assembled on the temple grounds. Suddenly and without warning, elbows start to
fly. And someone has climbed on top of the dog-pile! He's (apparently) lucky!
Colin (to American #1): So they just pulled that guy to the
ground. When does the luck start?
American #1: ....
American #1 hears nothing, because he's manhandling
(literally) his way to the top of the human mass as well.
PAN TO BIRD'S EYE:
The group continues
on, pushing and moving and stomping. Buckets of water fly through the air. Because sadism.Colin get's cold. Breaks off from the
group. Warms himself by a fire. Gets his picture taken with old Japanese ladies
who probably are just excited to look at his butt.
Colin: I guess I've gotta go back to the mass of man that's
rolling down the street.
.jpg) |
| Photo stolen from the interwebs. But looking exactly like ours did, but with maybe twice as many bodies. (http://www.nagmag.jp/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Hadaka-Matsuri_2.jpg) |
Japanese Grandmother: Sumimasen, sumimasen (makes recognizable photo noises, motions Colin over)
Colin smiles, poses (PEACE), flexes his overly exposed
bottom. Makes a good impression
JG : 1, 2, 3Cheeezzuuu (Cheese!)
He rejoins the
ruckus, doing his best to keep the barely clothed, pushing and shoving bodies
away from sharp objects and concrete walls. The blob seems to have found
direction. Amidst the yelling it moves down a marked path.
 |
| Just like this. But less organized. (http://static.tuttogratis.it/viaggi/fotogallery/628X0/64325/festival-delluomo-nudo.jpg) |
American #2: I'll give you a lift, climb on top
Colin: I'm lucky enough. And I care about my toes. I've got
a marathon in a month...
American #2: I don't remember asking... It was more of a
demand
Colin climbs up. For
the first time he doesn't see any bums. Relieved he relaxes a bit. Too much. A
competitor pulls his unprepared mass to the ground. That is the end of his
1.5-second reign as Matto Bakkai king.
CLOSE-UP:
Colin's jubilant,
slightly scared face. He's trying to keep his nearest neighbour from bowling
over a spectating granny. Said neighbour seems not to notice.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
The man-blob has reached the sea-shore.
Everyone breaks up, dips, yells, cheers, and there is much rejoicing. Everyone
ambles to the local public baths.
 |
| It's like the walk of shame. But culturally significant and appropriate. |
FADE IN:
Public Baths. Lots of
naked. Lots of steam.
Colin's Toes: Hey blood! Hey warmth! Long time no see!
Blood: We've been avoiding you
Warmth: Seriously. But we've forgiven you. Stay here
forever.
THE END
And thus ended the
saga of Colin and the Naked Man Festival. Any questions? Colin.ellis89@gmail.com
